It's All In Vain
by The Black Sacrament
Summary: "I love you, Bella," he whispers against my hair as we part ways for the night. We are standing at the window of my room but it feels like we are on the edge of a cliff. His words threaten to push me over. "I love her," I scream in my mind. A few rocks fall from the cliff. "I love you too, Edward." Femslash! Angst!Ridden Possible trigger warning.
1. Don't wanna be your girl

**Angst angst ridden unrequited love one shot in Bella's POV. Limerence at its best ladies and gents. This is how it should've gone. Got the inspiration from "Don't Wanna Be Your Girl No More" by Wet. You should give it a listen. It's a masterpiece. The title is a song by them too. Enjoy people. Bring napkins if need be;)**

I am trapped. I love Edward so much and yet..it is not enough. I still feel a burning desire for another.

I think back to when I first laid eyes on him and his family. I didn't know if I could pick which one of them was more beautiful. In the end, I chose Edward. I know why now.

Maybe it was the way his arm draped across her shoulder. The way she smiled at something he said and showed those pearly white teeth. I wanted to know how my lip would feel between them. I _still_ do.

Edward is careful at all times. His hands shake with effort not to clutch me too hard. He grits his teeth to keep foul words from coming from his mouth. I wish I could tell him that I wanted roughness. I wanted curses thrown in my direction and hands tangled in my hair. Maybe one around my throat. _Hers_ looked like they would fit well.

Her words sting deliciously. She dismisses me as a fragile human for the 5th time in one day. Yes, I have counted. Whatever comes out of her mouth is a masterpiece. Whether it is an insult or an angry breathe. I _savor_ them all equally. I stare at her, not caring that she is well aware. She shoots a glare my way and disappears up the stairs. Where she will wait for her mate's return.

I wonder what it's like when they make love. Does he worship her body and kiss every inch of skin like I do in my dreams? Maybe he fucks her rough and pulls her silky hair. I smile as warmth and pain floods my chest. What a contradiction this situation is.

Her scent floats on the breeze she caused. I inhale deeply from my spot on the couch. I ponder over my sudden masochism. Something is _really_ wrong with me.

Edward will be back from his hunt with the of rest his family soon. It had taken a lot of persuasion to let her babysit me. He feared that she would hurt my feelings. If only he knew how much I craved it. I deserved it for cheating on him. Even if only emotionally.

He comes in with those bright golden eyes and that crooked smile. He wraps his arms around me and I smile imagining the differences. Her arms would be shorter but they would feel like home. They would hold me _tighter_.

When he kisses me I feel like it's my first time. It's like a little boy stealing a kiss from me on the playground. So fleeting and dispassionate. I want _fire_ and _brimstone_ culminating into the moment when our lips touch. I want hands reaching and grasping. I want groping and hair tugging. It always ends too soon and _never_ the way I want it to.

I know she would make me feel like a woman. Like my lips are an answer to her prayers. I wonder what she prays for..I pray for her to sneak into my room and sneak under the covers. I pray for nails down the sides of thighs and a head between my legs. I'm still waiting.

Sometimes I wish Edward could read my mind. When we are together I push my thoughts toward him. I scream and roar but he never reacts. It makes me tired and numb."I love you, Bella, " he whispers against my hair as we part ways for the night. We are standing at the window of my room but it feels like we are on the edge of a cliff. His words threaten to push me over. _"I love her,"_ I scream in my mind. A few rocks fall from the cliff.

"I love you too, Edward."

Alice talks and talks as she goes through the contents of her closet looking for something that can fit me. I can't hear what she's saying. I remember the dress her sister wore when we were voting on my humanity. I barely heard what she said over the lustful thoughts racing through my mind. Was everything on her a testimony to her perfection? Michaelangelo could never do her justice.

Alice is looking at me now. She seems annoyed.

"Bella, did you hear anything I just said," she asks with a huff. I shake my head and laugh. Sometimes I wish it could have been Alice. At least she already loved me. Then again, the pain of rejection is so sweet. Her eyes glaze over and she gives me an odd look. I wonder if she knows. If she does she never says a thing.

I know Jasper knows. Did he tell her?

His eyes narrow at me like I'm on trial for murder. Disapproval lurks inside them every time I catch his gaze.

I wish he would spill my secret before I had the chance. They should have let him have when I cut my finger open. I wouldn't have had the chance to fall deeper for her.

When I said yes to Edward's proposal it had felt like someone had poured _lava_ on my tongue. I wanted to have the courage to say no. I wanted to scream at him and tell him he had no right.

He had no right to love me so genuinely when I couldn't give him the same in return. I deserved this burn. I deserved the flames of hell. Then again, my life right now was just that.

When the threat of Victoria is back I almost sigh in relief. She is a welcome distraction to all of the turmoil in my life. Watching the Cullens and the wolves train is heartbreaking. Especially watching her. They are going through all this trouble because I got into a relationship with the wrong person. The second choice.

 _The wrong choice,_ my mind whispers to me. I almost chuckle out loud. I hope Victoria gets to me.

 _I am disappointed when her head rolls across the snow._

Her hands play in his hair as he plays his favorite game. A small smile twitches at her lips. She is so pure in this moment. I want to cry. He doesn't know how lucky he is to have her. Maybe he does. If I was him I would revel in her everyday. They've been together for _decades_. I would kill for the opportunity.

Edward says something and the family laughs. They look so carefree. I would ruin it by admitting my personal obsession. My burden is my own to carry. I cuddle closer into Edward and let resignation take over me. I catch Jasper looking at me sadly from across the room. It only adds to my ever growing self hatred.

I will never have her. I will never remotely be anything close to what she wants. I am just a human after all.

I want to open my veins and lay bare the very thing that makes me so desirable yet so repulsive to her. I want to watch her eyes turn black and her hands curl in hunger. She will want me then. I will moan as her teeth tear into my skin. _Take me,_ I would say.

 _You can d_ _evour me._ **Defile** me.

I sigh and close my eyes when Edward kisses my hair. It **burns**.

Maybe if I don't let myself say her name it will take away this forbidden crush. I struggle with effort as images of her pass behind my eyelids.

I **t's all in vain.**

 _"Rosalie," my traitor mind whispers_.

 _ **"You're stumbling a little."**_ _ **Her voice is delicious.**_

Cold, pale hands push me over the edge.

My smile never wavers even as I hit the rocks below.

 **Aw. Poor Bella bear. Twilight would have been very interesting if it was like this imho. Reviews made my heart beat faster;)**


	2. DeadWater

**Decided to continue guys. Hope you all like it!**

Planning the wedding is like the sweetest torture.

She helps Alice with my hair dutifully. Cycling through hair styles. Torturing me.

Like an actual sister. Too bad I will never let myself see her that way.

My body has always been hyperaware of her. It struggles to twist and turn in her direction. It takes everything to stay in place. Every strand of hair that she touching feels like live wire.

Now I know how pathetic I am.

I think back to when Edward said we were mates. I know that is a lie. If it wasn't for _Her_ I wouldn't be here. I would have never cared enough to hound him about the secret. I know he's not my mate. Most of the time I don't even want to be around him. Stop. I need to think of reasons to go through with this instead of only thinking about other people.

 **1\. Edward is handsome**

He inspires lust inside my heart. However miniscule. It could grow into a monster. That's how these things always turn out. Like with _her_.

 **2\. Edward loves me**

He is so kind and loving. Though, he is never playful. Everything is always serious. I can never do anything that I actually want. Shit, I can't even curse around him.

This list isn't helping. It only makes things work.

I can not marry Edward and I won't. It's funny how they all see me as weak. I wonder if they'll see me as weak when I tell him I can't go through with this. When I tell him that I want to remain human. Eternity of watching the one you love with someone else is not as appealing as I thought before.

Where is this all coming from?

I thought that when I let her encompass everything, when I let her push me over the precipice, I was done for. I feel like maybe I did not break everything when I hit the ground. I can still feel something.

 _A toe twitches_.

When I am around her my ribcage does not constrict anymore. There are no heaving breaths. No hidden agendas.

She stares at me in surprise as I pay her no mind. I didn't know I had been so obvious. I feel a muted sting from this new knowledge.

 _She saw your reactions to her and did nothing,_ my mind sneers. _She was probably repulsed._ I shake the thoughts from my head. I need more time to think before this wedding. I need to figure out how to erase this poison in my veins. I need it gone completely.

I'm sitting on the couch with Edward again. We do this alot. I don't remember our last conversation. I tense as his cold hand rubs my thigh. He unconsciously incites a fire he can not handle. I move it before I have to burn him.

He looks sad. I don't really care. I have been using that phrase alot. Rosalie sits at the far end of the couch reading a magazine. I know she's pretending. Looking back, just her presence would have made me hyperventilate. Now I want to scoff.

Let us see if I can get a reaction.

"Edward, I need to tell you something, " I said casually. My voice sounded dead when it met my ears. Lifeless. My face is red like I've been drinking deadwater.

He goes on some spiel about how I can tell him anything. My eyes are on Rosalie. Her brow creases very subtly. She is listening.

The Cullen family have taught me many things.

"We need to cancel the wedding." As soon as the words leave my lips everyone is downstairs firing off questions. Alice especially. I feel sorry for her. My best friend. My feelings are more important.

I keep my eyes on Rosalie Hale. Her eyes are wide and she looks at me frantically. Her eyes are speaking. **_"You can not do this,"_** they scream. She wipes her face clean in one second. One would have thought it was never there. I knew better.

 _Fingers flex._

Edward is angry with me. His hands grip the steering wheel tightly as he drives me home. I reach over and run my hand up his thigh slowly. It tenses under my fingertips. He grits those pretty teeth. A laugh bursts free and I am startled. It seems I have lost all self control. I feel free. Edward feels livid. It's **hot**.

"If only you would fuck me, Edward," I sigh. The car jerks to the left and suddenly we're parked in my driveway. There are cold hands on my cold shoulders. How ironic?

"Bella, what is wrong with you?" He shakes me as gently as an angry vampire can. _I'm not the same_ , he says. _You have lost your mind_ , he says. I hope his hands leave bruises. I'll take pictures and keep them forever. They'll remind me of the moment when I was set free.

 _Eyes open._

There is a knock on my window. I raise my left arm and stare at my watch. It's 2 a.m.

I started wearing a watch about a month ago. Time is too precious not to wear it on your wrist. It is a reminder that life is fleeting but occasionally the moments in it last for ages."Come in," I grunt. I do not move. Whoever it is isn't too important. Nobody is these days.

Golden strands of hair glisten for ages against the moonlight. It's like gold spun from Rumpelstiltskin. Each strand 24 carat gold, pin straight. Her chest heaves a deep breath while mine is unnaturally still. We have switched places it seems.

"What is wrong with you? Don't you know what you're doing to my brother," she hisses. I turn my eyes away from her and to the other side of the room.

I need to organize my desk. It's cluttered with meaningless items.

She growls quietly at my dismissal.

"I don't care. I don't love him, Rosalie," I sigh. There. I said it out loud. I said it to someone. I said her name out loud.

Rosalie is deathly still when my eyes move back to her statuesque body. It's time to come clean.

"He won't even fuck me. It's sad. I used to dream of someone else doing it. All roughness and no hesitation. I'm a woman Rosalie. He is a boy."

She lets out a harsh breath. She is so human in this moment. Her hands grasp the air in vain. I think she wants to kill me now. In this bed. In this shirt. **His shirt.**

She leaves on a gust of wind leaving me behind. I don't gasp and struggle to inhale her scent this time. I just go to sleep.

 _I dream that I'm standing up from the rocky ground. I stretch my sore legs. Blood drips from my gashes slowly._

 _I stare up at the cliff solemnly._

 _It was a long fall._


	3. Allure

**Sorry for the intermission folks. Had to get my motivation back to do this story. I've been on a writing spree today. Check out my other works as well and REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW LOVES. ENJOY;)**

I have decided to make a change.

I've been "Bella the Shy" for far too long. Edward, and consequently Rosalie, had controlled my emotions. Made me shy and introverted. Never wanting to take risks or dress the way I felt. I think back to Phoenix and parties I attented. I used to be fun once upon a time. I used to have allure.

I go into my closet and dig furiously. Edward will be here at 5 to pick me up for a _family meeting._ It's probably just his excuse to get Carlisle to talk me into going back to my old self. Those vampires hate change as much as they wish they had the ability to.

When I find the box I'm looking for I grin.

Loads of ripped jeans and band tees are what I find. I pull on a pair of the jeans and a Led Zeppelin t shirt. Something is still missing.

I search through my closet and find my studded biker jacket and some black and white converse.

When I look in the mirror I finally see myself staring back at me. I feel like I can do anything.

Charlie yells that Edward is here and I roll my eyes. When I look at my watch I scoff and throw my hair into a high ponytail. He's always so damn punctual.

Edward throws a hissy fit on the way to his house. His eyes are black and his grip is tight on the steering wheel again. My smile never leaves my face as he rants. I can clearly see how _hard_ he is in his jeans. It's not bad. Though, I know he has no idea how to use it.

"What is wrong with you? You never dress like this. Where is _my_ Bella?"

I laugh quietly. _His_ Bella? I was never his. I wouldn't say that when alone with him though. He seemed like a loose cannon right now. He would probably rip my throat out.

"It's just clothing, Edward. This is the normal me," I said as we pulled up to his home. He seethed silently. The next thing I knew I was being pulled from the vehicle. He sure was in a hurry.

I strolled into the house with confidence. I felt high and nothing could bring me down. Not even Edward's need to shadow me closely like a child.

Upon entering the living room it looked like an intervention. I laughed out loud as they looked at me in shock. Why is what I wear such a big deal?

"Well, what is it." My voice was exasperated as I sat on a chair in front of them. They had even moved the furniture. This was becoming desperate now.

Carlisle cleared his throat and I raised a brow.

"Bella, we wanted to have a meeting with you about recent events. It seems you have been having a mental breakdown of sorts. As Edward calls it." My face is blank. A mental breakdown? I guess one could call it that. I mean I did feel semi insane for a moment there. But I'm fine now. I'm back to the old Bella.

"I appreciate the sentiment, Carlisle, but just because I don't want to be with Edward doesn't mean I'm insane. We are not even mates," I said matter of factly. They looked shocked. Well, Jasper, Rosalie, and Alice didn't. Interesting. So they knew.

"Bella, love. Where did you get that idea from," Edward said somewhat frantically. I leveled him with a blank stare. Is he really questioning my intelligence right now? I decided to hurt his feelings.

"Oh I don't know, Edward. Maybe from the first day I saw you and your family. It wasn't you I wanted. It was somebody else. Oh, and I've been in love with them since that moment. I came to love you but not as a boyfriend. Definitely not a mate." When I finished everyone looked stunned. Even Rosalie. Her beautiful face looked pained and tortured. Edward looked like he wanted to break down. Emmett surprised me by speaking.

"Who," he asked evenly. He didn't seem angry or sad. He was normal if not a little down.

I looked at him and my face softened. I didn't want to hurt his feelings but I needed this off my chest tonight.

"Your wife." Edward snarled like a savage. Emmett and Jasper grabbed him, holding him back. I just sat there wishing they would let him go. I deserved it for causing him so much pain. I had lied to him. I had cheated on him the entire relationship by lusting after his sister. It was only right that he kill me.

"Edward sit the hell down. You knew she wasn't your mate and you went after her anyway," Emmett growled. I looked down sadly. I felt horrible them. I had ruined their family member's life basically. But then again it was _his_ fault. This would have happened eventually. Like Emmett said, he _knew._

When Edward finally calmed down we lapsed into silence. It was awkward. Alice looked quite impatient.

"Rose tell her," she said, rolling her yellow eyes. I squinted at them. Were they hiding something? My eyes widened as I watched Rosalie's expression flash to panic. They were. My mind raced. What could they possibly by hiding.

What if...

Rosalie glared at Alice and then looked at me. Her face softened immediately. **No.** She had no right to look at me like that. I did not want to hear what she was about to say because I knew what it would be. It was **wrong.**

As she opened her mouth I tried to block it out. _Please don't say it. Please don't say-_

You are my mate, Bella."

 _And I'm falling again._


	4. Animal

**Bella looks like Kristen Stewart when she had the shortish blonde hair. She was so fucking hot. Enjoy;)**

As I stroll down the dark street, I admire the city lights. Seattle is so much different from Forks. Not as depressing and drab. Of course it's more dangerous in some ways but I don't care. I'm into that sort of thing now.

I run a hand through my now chin length, blonde hair. I had to make a change.

Ever since Rosalie told me I was her mate things have been spiraling down. I haven't talked to her in weeks. I haven't talked to any of them really. I didn't understand how she could let me go through so much pain. How could she let me date her brother for gods sake? She knew what I was going through and she let me suffer.

I drink now. It eases the pain of what she caused to well inside me. It eases the longing too. The cigarettes take my mind off her for a while but Vodka cures everything.

As I stop to pull out a smoke, I can feel a presence behind me. I sigh and continue lighting my cancer stick. Whoever it is must not have a pressing issue.

"You know those are deadly right." The voice is feminine but unfamiliar. The musical quality gives away that this person is definitely a vampire. I turned around and stare at the woman blankly.

"I am well aware." The woman is blonde and gorgeous. It kind of hurts to look at her. She reminds me of Rosalie a bit too much. I choose to look away.

"What's a girl like you doing wandering alone," she purrs. My heart doesn't even race. I'm proud of myself for a second and then my mind wanders. Maybe I don't find her that alluring because I'm mated, I muse. I sigh and watch the smoke billow into the air.

"I'm running from my mate," I said in a bored tone. What the hell does this lady want? I look at her to gauge her reaction and she looks shocked.

"Mate?" She sounds incredulous. I want to laugh but she might kill me. Considering her yellow eyes, I doubt it. You never truly know though.

"Yes. She's a vampire. Rosalie Hale. You might know her." With that I turn on my heels and begin walking away. I expect her to follow and she does.

"Actually, yes. You must be Bella Swan. I'm Tanya Denali," she says. Her voice is not all sensual now. I guess vampires respect mates more than I thought.

I recognize the name. The Cullens said they were cousins or some shit.

"Ahh, the Alaskan coven. Nice to meet you but I have to go," I say dismissively. A hand grabs my arm tightly, making me stop. I grit my teeth in anger.

"You're coming with me. Rosalie will attempt to kill me if she finds out I let you go."

When I arrive at the Cullens home, I want to punch something. This Tanya decided it was best to take me to them and not home like I asked. I hate vampires.

"Bella, what were you thinking. You could have been hurt," Rose pleads. I look anywhere but her. Her room is gorgeous. What did I really expect? Only the best for Rosalie Hale. The Ice Queen of the century.

A cold hand touches my hand.

 _Sparks._

My body is suddenly too hot. I don't feel the will to pull away from her. I curse my body silently.

"Bella, let me make things right with you. I just want you," she whispers. The fire is unbearable. I can't trust her. I can't let myself fall for her again. I **won't**.

When I turn to look at her she's too close. Those red lips taunt me. Her scent surrounds me like a blanket. It's so hard to fight the feeling. It feels so wrong and so right. I have to clear my mind.

"Where's your husband," I croak. This is the best thing I could come up with to distract her. Rosalie's expression is suddenly incredulous. I ache to touch it.

"We were never married. He has been my best friend since his turning," she states calmly. It's my turn to be incredulous.

My mind reels. I had been so set on not ruining a marriage and yet she's not married. Possessiveness pulses through my veins.

 _She is mine,_ my mind whispers. I shake my head. No I have to fight this bond. _But why?_

"I know that I was wrong to let you and Edward be together. I thought you wanted him and so I couldn't deny you anything," she says sadly. Her gorgeous hair is like a curtain over her face. I try to fight the urge to move it away. I fail.

Golden eyes pierce through my brown ones. I feel like she can see the need inside me. I am exposed to her. If anyone knows how I feel it is Rosalie, my mate. I wanted to say that for so long. She is _my_ mate.

"You don't have to fight it anymore, Bella. I am already yours. I always have been," she whispers. I can't breathe. She said it. Only in my dreams had she been mine and now they are coming true.

Tear fill my eyes and I can't fight them away.

Cold hands caress my face softly. Rosalie leans in close and suddenly it's all too much. I am surrounded and enveloped by her.

Her lips skim across my cheek. Cool breaths make my hairs stand on end.

I can't hold it in anymore.

"I love you, Rosalie. I love you."

Lips like rose petals fall to my own. Heat encloses around my body like a glove. Animalistic lust grabs ahold of me and I can't get free. I don't want to.

When I feel her fingertips skitter across my stomach, it tenses uncontrollably. Moans slid up my throat as her tongue tangles with mine. It's like cold velvet. She tastes like the sweetest wine.

This is all so much and not enough. I want to be closer. I think she understands.

Rose's cold hands pull my clothes from my body like they've offended her. I'm not even one but self conscious. I want to feel her against me. I've wanted that for a long, _long_ time.

I push her back with strength I didn't know I had and grab the hem of her dress. Her eyes flash with something akin to panic.

My chest is heaving and I'm _soaking,_ but I stop. I had forgotten..

"Rose, we don't have to.." a finger comes to my lips, silencing me. I watch helplessly as she stands up and pulls it over her head.

Her body is so tight and curvaceous. She slowly removes her bra and panties, teasing me. My mouth waters uncontrollably. I need to taste **everything.**

That animalistic lust takes over me again. This time it's boiling over. My lips curl back over my teeth like a wolf. I feel so inhuman.

Rose smirks as she walks toward me.

Somehow I end up straddling her.

"You're mine," I rasp. My voice is muffled in her neck. Her chest heaves against me with unneeded breaths and I smirk. This role reversal is even sexier.

"All yours, Bella. Show me I'm yours." My teeth bite her neck harshly as I let my fingers wander down her rock hard body.

 _This time she will be falling._


End file.
